.your.worst.nightmare.

... long time

2008-07-27T07:10:31Z

wow.

its been over a year since the last time i posted.

and i was angry, had a broken neck, and still had feelings.

lately, ive been pretty numb to life. living the routine with the occasions that fill the space between the doctors appointments, physical therapy, work, school and the occasional shit to do with this lawsuit. filling the useless space generally consists of me be places to satisfy friends. tragedy has filled the lives of many of my friends this year, ive learned to become a good listener and found that i actually am full of great advice. now it almost feels as though as itd be selfish to have something bad happen to me. ive built up my safe-walls in my life so just that wont happen. ive found less room for anger and drama, voiding that by just ignoring it if it tries to cross my path. i wont let anyone too close, im just afraid ill care too much and one day theyll fuck me over, like the rest of them have. so i stay comfortably safe in my own purgatory with no warm and exciting feelings, like love, and none that will drop me to a heartbreaking low. i dont want to have to need somebody, though i know so many people would be there no matter what.

breaking my neck was more of a get out of jail card free. i feel as though i escaped death. a hangman's fracture. alright. so its the bone in your neck that snaps and kills you, or would hope would kill u, when ur being hung. alright. so i have migraines, neck problems, i eat a bunch of pills a tay to help the pain. but im walking. a kid who i use to babysit wrapped his car around a tree on his way home from work, around the same time as i was on my way home from work the day i wound up in this four car pileup. his mother worked at the hospital the ambulance took me to she left 20 minutes before i had arrived in the er. the ladys in the office were talking about it as i was getting xrays done. when i finally talked to my mother, she informed me who it was, because ironically, she was passing his accident, and pulled over to make the call for help. i made it, he didnt.

it was just a normal day, wake up, go to work, come home. changed my life. i cant be mean anymore. i cant hold grudges. one minute someone could be there, the next theyre six feet under. if someone passes, i wouldnt want their last thoughts to be that i was a raging cunt, rather that i was a decent person, someone who always smiled, not someone who walked around with a permanent stink eye. rather than pissing away my emotions with hating, angry, judgmental thoughts, i found my life much more pleasant and productive not feeding into peoples bullshit. if someone doesnt like me and needs to shit talk me, thats great. i could care less. more power to you, coz youre still wasting ur time, thoughts, and breath on me, while i sit here and enjoy my marb mild, thinking about how great my life is. sometimes you gotta think youre handed a wake up call, maybe even a second chance. im twenty four. borrring. ive lost just about fifty percent of my spunk, im not a lil heart breaker like i use to be. but im more level headed and focused on shit then ive ever been.

xo,
mare

themajesticmary @ 2007-04-24T03:46:00

2007-04-24T07:48:26Z

LMAO!

she was right when she said that terrible things happen to terrible ppl...

a life of misery... im SO jealous...

ill just chuckle for now... coz it is indeed amazingly funny!

yah ill be a millionare within the year... thanks!

themajesticmary @ 2007-04-16T22:50:00

2007-04-17T02:54:52Z

i must say this neck break is probably the best thing thats happened to me... i dont have to do shit... im gonna be getting unemployment... and i get to pass school regaurdless... not to mention, i have a great lawyer brewing something great for me...

it sucks right now... but thank u lord for keeping me alive... coz thats all that matters...

i guess this isnt so terrible after all.

bitch.

out of the hospital...

2007-04-13T01:09:38Z

as you all have heard, i was in a bad car accident on tuesday... as a result, i have a broken neck. i have a "hangman fracture" which is a fracture in the second vertebrae down from the top this makes me not able to lift or move my head, and im in immense pain... its called a "hangman fracture" because its the part of your neck that snaps when youre being hung... i have 2 fractures, one on each side of that vertebrae and there is a big blood vessle right next to that which go to my brain... i was very close to losing my life or being paralyzed... i am now off of school and work for the next 8 weeks for recovery... i was supposed to have surgury but the docs decided against it because it is a class one fracture and to operate could paralyze me... now im stuck in a neckbrace and if i hit myself wrong i can be paralyzed or even dead. so im just homebound for the next two months.

god loves me... seriously... keep me in your thoughts...

thanks for nette, nikki, rachel, meggy, kara, kyle, willow, fetterman, kate, vanessa, dave and of course my wonderful parents mom and pete and my big bro steve for being there for me through the stress and emotion in the hospital. i love u all...

thank u to everyone for their wishes... i appreciate it... just come visit me now... ill be home for-ev-er... yep

love
mare

themajesticmary @ 2007-03-27T18:06:00

2007-03-27T22:09:47Z

well the time has come... hes happy, and im glad he can finally let his heart be. i know i never made him happy... at least not content... its nice to see that finally... tho i hate his guts...

but thats ok... coz im supposed to hate him... and im perfectly content not knowing him.

my life was so much harder facing the shit he put me thru... i have been happy for a lil over a month now... who knew that there was better guys out there? not me... coz he played with my head for so damn long... regaurdless, im glad hes well and fine...

my life is perfect... i have a shit load of money... i have amazing grades in school... and i have teh most amazing people in my life... not to mention my bartenders love me and only charge me $20 for a night full of drinking for me AND my friends. hahahaa

oh, and jack is happy too...

happy happy happy!

themajesticmary @ 2007-03-05T12:48:00

2007-03-05T17:49:25Z

i love ppl who pretend to try to be my friend, but really talk a ton of shit about me with my ex boyfriend.

themajesticmary @ 2007-03-02T15:59:00

2007-03-02T21:00:35Z

yo, so call this the "honeymoon stage" but i dont know how i was so miserable for the past few years... its weird having someone do things for u, and do small lil special things for u... even the cutesy texts are better than ive ever had...

no past bf has shit on this kid.

<33

themajesticmary @ 2007-02-28T13:02:00

2007-02-28T18:03:37Z

its about that time again...

"in a relationship"

im doin g well with money, im doing well in school, im doing well with myself...

finally, its my turn to be happy.

themajesticmary @ 2007-02-14T13:26:00

2007-02-14T18:29:19Z

i have never been more swept off my feet than i have from this kid...

the other night we finally hung out... apprently hes been eyeing mt around campus, and telling my friends about me since like 2 years ago... we stayed up talking til 4am... and the sleepover was fucking great... this kid rocks at cuddling...

and the net day, i prolly got 20 txts telling me how much he likes kissing me and how he cant stop thinking about me...

i fucking love it....

i cant believe i wasted my time on someone who never even thought about me...

maybe this time i shall be treated nice....

i like this kid.............. a lotish?

themajesticmary @ 2007-02-12T14:43:00

2007-02-12T19:44:55Z

yah its true, i starve myself...

and i also dont give a fuck...

what are u really gonna do about it? u dont care...

u dont care about me...

and why? coz i took care of the "problem" without telling u about it...

this is prolly the best myspace blog i ever wrote...

2007-01-25T07:17:57Z

this is to a boy i use to love,

you know who u are...

and i dont know who u are, not anymore... your selfish and carelessness towards me have given me no reason to even begin to consider you in my life anymore.

you are a stranger, i feel like the person you have become is the farthest thing from the person i met 2 yrs ago.

you gave me half of your heart for two years, and the other half to HER. at times, she had more of your heart than i did. you loved her, and you lied to me about it, you lied to yourself about it, and you let it ruin our relationship.

you lied about sleeping with her, you lied about your feelings for her, you lied about hanging out with her...

and i know i was no angel, i know i broke your trust, i know i fought you... but when i said "i love you" i meant it, with my whole fucking heart. i would do anything for you, and sadly, its not the same for you.

you are too greedy, inconsiderate and selfcentered to let the good in you shine through. which i know you have the side of you i fell in love with, i know you have the potential to be the best friend you once were... unfortunately youre too selfish to have that happen....

"mare, youre not the girl for me", and who is? mark you dont even know. you think its her, and i cant wait to see her crush your heart.

im sorry for all the pain ive brought you, but atleast im aware and considerate of it. you even said u dont know how much uve hurt me...

and for me to drop u as a friend should show u exactly how much that is...

no matter what you believe, you let HER ruin our relationship, you let yourself ruin us, by having a second fucking girlfriend.

and tho the actions of cheating were never there, the feelings were...

so fuck you, you ARE a cheater, you played me... and you can live your rockstar fucking life out and forget i ever existed.

thanks for 2 yrs, it was a total waste of my time and emotions...

the anger i felt towards you made me feel like the ugliest person, and now without you i feel more beautiful than you ever "tried" to make me feel...

and atleast i learned that the words "i love you" means a fuckload less than i always thought they would.

love
mare

+++++++++++++++++++

that makes me proud, and even more proud that i got teh guts to rid myself of him, and actually stick to it.

I HOPE SHE WAS FUCKING WORTH IT!

themajesticmary @ 2007-01-22T12:51:00

2007-01-22T17:51:51Z

first day at ecc city...

a lot fo black ppl hahaha...

but fun, small classes and its not 12oclock n im all done....

one day closer to law school!

themajesticmary @ 2007-01-17T01:17:00

2007-01-17T06:22:37Z

todays the first time weve spoken since he left... well minus lil sabres texts earlier in teh week... i just called... i didnt know what he was doing, nor where he was... and what did i say... i had nothing to say... slight bullshit, yet he could tell something was wrong, he asked me a bunch of times... said i sounded "preoccupied"... something is wrong... i told him i had to go; i didnt want him to hear me cry. so it was an awkward goodbye... how do u be friends with someone u cant stop missing?

so happy 2007 journal... had to make my first entry over 2 weeks into the month and its a miserable one... so this is what, my 5th or 6th year with this thing... wow.

i registered for classes today... i dont want to go back to school. i dont wanna be a paralegal... i dont wanna live in buffalo anymore... i do want to be successful... but im not good at anything...

why am i so scared of going back? why am i so scared im not gonna make enuf money working 3 days a week (coz im totally not)... why am i so scared that im not gonna get into shape...

which mentioning that, ive been a good lil exerciser the past 2 weeks, and well, hi! results please! yah i know... it takes time... atleast its easing my mind somewhat...

i got home from work today and well, i slept for 3 and a half hours... and right now im about to go back to bed... fantastic...

im depressed.

love
mare

themajesticmary @ 2006-12-20T14:27:00

2006-12-20T19:28:18Z

ive reached the point...

i cant do it coz i hate him so much...
and i cant do it coz i love him so much...

i cant do anything...

i cant move on...
cant find a distraction...
cant stop hurting...
cant stop going crazy...

whats the point in faking a friendship if thats all we are really doing?

and whats the point in being ok, when your future plans with her will just push me away from u then...

whats the point anymore?

maybe im just scared to be close to him again, coz maybe then hell know...

themajesticmary @ 2006-12-04T01:26:00

2006-12-04T01:26:46Z

mark and i hung out lastnight... i liked it... i did... :-)

haha.

anyways. i was thinking, and this is actually true... its amazing who is ur friend when youre dating a person, and the second u break up with them, u no longer exist... weird...

themajesticmary @ 2006-11-30T17:26:00

2006-11-30T17:26:40Z

so i guess its my turn to post an entry...

i dont know what im doing anymore...

im going back to school in a feild that im not sure is what i want to do. slightly freaking me out... i just need a job that pays very well... coz everyone knows how much im addicted to good money.

italy/sicily in the summer? that may happen... itll be expensive... but hey, i need a vacation.

love? well thats nonexistant. i dont even give anyone a chance. im so fucking bitter that i push away good opportunities; i guess im just so scared of being hurt again... i need to focus on myself for a while. i need to pull a degreee outta my ass, pull a good job outta my ass, and maybe "Mr. Right" will find me somewhere along the way.

ive never been "spoiled" by a guy, generally im the sugamomma in the relationships. and i notice the second anyone starts to give to me, i get creeped out and close up. even now, when mark tells me hes gonna pay for the movies or for dinner, it freaks me out... and why?

well i dunno. maybe its coz i only date hebrew fuckers... or maybe its because i always have money... maybe i never was spoiled as a child, so i just dont let myself take things from others... but if the ppl i spoil feel anything like i do when recieving gifts, then id prolly hate me for it too.

go sabres? yah just had to say that... jason pominville touched my boob.

im gaining weight... well i think im gaining weight... i need to get to a gym... i think that is the root of my problems... speaking of eating, im no longer a vegetarian... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm meat...

mark wants to play spades now so i must go...

this weather blows... but thats good for work... seeing as im making somewhere near 500 a week now... SHAWEEEEET!

love
mare

themajesticmary @ 2006-11-19T00:13:00

2006-11-19T00:13:44Z

im freakingout... to say the least...

pulling my hair...

i scream and nobody hears me... and what am i screaming about? how miserable i am... and why am i miserable?

coz i dont find joy in anything i do anymore... id schedule a vacation, but im sure that wouldnt give me much satisfaction.... i miss being young... i miss being in love... i miss my nonexistant friends... i miss not working so much... i miss being skinny... i miss my family... i miss going to school... i miss having organization and desire to do things... im seriously freaking out...

"hey mare lets go to the bar"... no... coz ill be annoyed and uncomfortable the whole time im there...

"hey mare lets go shopping"... im fat so i dont wanna even try on clothes, coz nothing looks good on me...

"hey mare, lets go to the sabres game" yah i enjoy myself til they lose... or til its over...

"hey mare... get a life..."

i sleep to pass the hours in a day...

i hate myself so much right now.

themajesticmary @ 2006-11-06T13:44:00

2006-11-06T13:44:50Z

look what this has done to me...

i cant do things like this to myself...

im a danger to my own, as well as others...

another allergic reaction.

themajesticmary @ 2006-11-01T16:28:00

2006-11-01T16:28:31Z

mark left me....

love isnt enough.

it never was.

the past 2 years of my life are gone.

and im sitting here shaking, and crying.

and why?

coz i cant treat the people i love right.

i suck.

mari got me.

2006-10-24T03:36:22Z

Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about you. then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs.

- im obsessed witht eh forties and fifties, so much that i work at a diner which drives me mad and i lvoe every second, and penny, of it.

- i come from a family of 8 kids... the responsibility of being second oldest has made me the responsible adult i am today.

- i wish i had natural straight, jet black hair.

- if i could do one thing for the rest of my life, that would be makeup.

- i can drink 22 shots and be ok.

- jealousy is my biggest flaw.

tag:
Kristalee
Steph
Shawn
erin
gabbie
liz casion

****************************************

tag ur it...

themajesticmary @ 2006-10-13T18:16:00

2006-10-13T18:23:16Z

the treeapocalypse...

fall snow storm 2006...

um yah... whats up.... thats my house and the backyard of my house and some random pix on the walk to the store.

whats up snow storm...

and i love how my roommate refuses to let us leave the heat on.

amazin!

themajesticmary @ 2006-08-23T01:56:00

2006-08-23T06:04:58Z

haha...

ok so life...

im all settled into this new apartment... i have rent paid off up til october... ive made 400 dollars in the past 3 days... i worked the first part of my shift probably still drunk from lastnight... i drank a lot lastnight... it was megan covells birthday, jesse gaddis was in town, and the night ended with squashing beef with a few of my sisters... sooo im really only here writing this coz i blew the fuse that takes care of my room and half the kitchen... apparently i cant run a fan, computer, fridge and light while i microwave something... old houses piss me off... i got the biggest room, but i have to paint it and there is one working outlet... awwwwwwwwesome... mark and i are great... i love him... :-)... :-D... i dont trust people... some shady shit has happened, and well, now im just paranoid about my shit everytime i leave my house... fuck. ... so what am i left with right now... a slightly intoxicated mark henry. no bedroom power and a house to myself with the one person i fucking hate teh most hanging out in my backyard... i wanna run to my room but i cant...

fuck.

themajesticmary @ 2006-07-25T18:45:00

2006-07-25T22:52:03Z

well on the 22nd it was my 5th year with this thing.

i havent been updating this thing but whatever... not much is goin on in my life...

im moving in exactly a week... back into a house with people. i thnk ts for the better... living by myself was fun, but it gets lonely... and it costs me about $1000 a month... and im not one of those lucky kids whos parents pay for their rent or bills... its all me... so moving 3 blocks away is gonna be better... its a huge house... im excited.

next, mark and i are rekindling things... hes on tour right now, but im hoping we make it official soon...

speaking of him, hes home in about 2 and a half days... im SO excited.

im working full time at johnny rockets... making some good money...

im in debt coz of hospital bills and shit right now, but whatever... ill pay it off once i have the new house underway... rent is only 220 or somethin, and bills are gonna be split 3 ways... so living costs should only be like 600 tops... much better than 1000...

i have a lot of shit to do... so im gonna get back to it...

love mare

themajesticmary @ 2006-07-21T17:29:00

2006-07-21T21:30:17Z

i got my boy back... yessssssssssssss...

i love him...

...

2006-06-05T05:10:03Z

tomorrow [well technically, today] terrifies me... im embarassed, scared and thankful for it.

some of you know what im talking about... just wish me luck.

coz im scared to fucking death...

and itll all go away by tomorrow... hopefully.

goodnight,
mare.

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