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7/27/08 02:40 am - ... long time
wow.
its been over a year since the last time i posted.
and i was angry, had a broken neck, and still had feelings.
lately, ive been pretty numb to life. living the routine with the occasions that fill the space between the doctors appointments, physical therapy, work, school and the occasional shit to do with this lawsuit. filling the useless space generally consists of me be places to satisfy friends. tragedy has filled the lives of many of my friends this year, ive learned to become a good listener and found that i actually am full of great advice. now it almost feels as though as itd be selfish to have something bad happen to me. ive built up my safe-walls in my life so just that wont happen. ive found less room for anger and drama, voiding that by just ignoring it if it tries to cross my path. i wont let anyone too close, im just afraid ill care too much and one day theyll fuck me over, like the rest of them have. so i stay comfortably safe in my own purgatory with no warm and exciting feelings, like love, and none that will drop me to a heartbreaking low. i dont want to have to need somebody, though i know so many people would be there no matter what.
breaking my neck was more of a get out of jail card free. i feel as though i escaped death. a hangman's fracture. alright. so its the bone in your neck that snaps and kills you, or would hope would kill u, when ur being hung. alright. so i have migraines, neck problems, i eat a bunch of pills a tay to help the pain. but im walking. a kid who i use to babysit wrapped his car around a tree on his way home from work, around the same time as i was on my way home from work the day i wound up in this four car pileup. his mother worked at the hospital the ambulance took me to she left 20 minutes before i had arrived in the er. the ladys in the office were talking about it as i was getting xrays done. when i finally talked to my mother, she informed me who it was, because ironically, she was passing his accident, and pulled over to make the call for help. i made it, he didnt.
it was just a normal day, wake up, go to work, come home. changed my life. i cant be mean anymore. i cant hold grudges. one minute someone could be there, the next theyre six feet under. if someone passes, i wouldnt want their last thoughts to be that i was a raging cunt, rather that i was a decent person, someone who always smiled, not someone who walked around with a permanent stink eye. rather than pissing away my emotions with hating, angry, judgmental thoughts, i found my life much more pleasant and productive not feeding into peoples bullshit. if someone doesnt like me and needs to shit talk me, thats great. i could care less. more power to you, coz youre still wasting ur time, thoughts, and breath on me, while i sit here and enjoy my marb mild, thinking about how great my life is. sometimes you gotta think youre handed a wake up call, maybe even a second chance. im twenty four. borrring. ive lost just about fifty percent of my spunk, im not a lil heart breaker like i use to be. but im more level headed and focused on shit then ive ever been.
xo,
mare
its been over a year since the last time i posted.
and i was angry, had a broken neck, and still had feelings.
lately, ive been pretty numb to life. living the routine with the occasions that fill the space between the doctors appointments, physical therapy, work, school and the occasional shit to do with this lawsuit. filling the useless space generally consists of me be places to satisfy friends. tragedy has filled the lives of many of my friends this year, ive learned to become a good listener and found that i actually am full of great advice. now it almost feels as though as itd be selfish to have something bad happen to me. ive built up my safe-walls in my life so just that wont happen. ive found less room for anger and drama, voiding that by just ignoring it if it tries to cross my path. i wont let anyone too close, im just afraid ill care too much and one day theyll fuck me over, like the rest of them have. so i stay comfortably safe in my own purgatory with no warm and exciting feelings, like love, and none that will drop me to a heartbreaking low. i dont want to have to need somebody, though i know so many people would be there no matter what.
breaking my neck was more of a get out of jail card free. i feel as though i escaped death. a hangman's fracture. alright. so its the bone in your neck that snaps and kills you, or would hope would kill u, when ur being hung. alright. so i have migraines, neck problems, i eat a bunch of pills a tay to help the pain. but im walking. a kid who i use to babysit wrapped his car around a tree on his way home from work, around the same time as i was on my way home from work the day i wound up in this four car pileup. his mother worked at the hospital the ambulance took me to she left 20 minutes before i had arrived in the er. the ladys in the office were talking about it as i was getting xrays done. when i finally talked to my mother, she informed me who it was, because ironically, she was passing his accident, and pulled over to make the call for help. i made it, he didnt.
it was just a normal day, wake up, go to work, come home. changed my life. i cant be mean anymore. i cant hold grudges. one minute someone could be there, the next theyre six feet under. if someone passes, i wouldnt want their last thoughts to be that i was a raging cunt, rather that i was a decent person, someone who always smiled, not someone who walked around with a permanent stink eye. rather than pissing away my emotions with hating, angry, judgmental thoughts, i found my life much more pleasant and productive not feeding into peoples bullshit. if someone doesnt like me and needs to shit talk me, thats great. i could care less. more power to you, coz youre still wasting ur time, thoughts, and breath on me, while i sit here and enjoy my marb mild, thinking about how great my life is. sometimes you gotta think youre handed a wake up call, maybe even a second chance. im twenty four. borrring. ive lost just about fifty percent of my spunk, im not a lil heart breaker like i use to be. but im more level headed and focused on shit then ive ever been.
xo,
mare